they say while i oscillate between
feeling all alone in the world
and wanting to disappear
in the corner of a roundtable
of people that could be my family
why don't you ever say anything?
i have nothing to say
aren't you curious about these people?
i don't ask them
how they figured themselves out
the question never occurred to me
there are many things that
don't occur to me these days
there's a dark cloud above my head
full-caps poster-font
WHAT THE ...
but hey
things are improving, right?
so very close to rock bottom
my savings are bleeding
not enough yet, but soon
then i'm finally there
where desperation should show me the way
back to being a slave of capitalism
now even Big Scale is against me
even though literally all i do
is take care of my body, every day
10k trail runs on the pavement
my mental health is the trailing part
is that why the squats are getting heavier?
i also must have forgotten
all of my social skills in 2021
now i need a warning and a deep breath
maybe a nap during my bday party
and i'll have the energy
to fake a smile as not to look
as antisocial as i feel inside
kindness, love and compassion
is what i should provide myself
at a 100% permanent position
i don't have anything to give
to anyone else, temporarily
but as the local welfare system
does not believe there's anything wrong
she's ungrateful but not bleeding
i applied to two jobs today
both of them in the software realm
had a nervous breakdown
at the possibility of actually getting them
gathered what was left
into a very motivated cover letter
and put lukewarm effort into
maybe hiding this blog
but if this helps someone understand
i'd rather stop faking, eventually
in better news, it was summer
until it ended 4 days ago
i applied to a study program
with negative job prospects
found a new therapist
but it's still summer, so they're doing
what i should have the last 2 months
be on vacation, travel and explore
i tried, failed, and proved the welfare system
wrong-o
i promise to be more upbeat
when i crawl out of here
and maybe get the financial support i deserve
yes it was my original plan
to voluntarily lose my job for the summer
but someone should compensate me
for losing my mind
while fighting my way out of the schackles
i'm only a burden because i have to be
Inspiratsiookean 